In the COVID-19 Economy, You Can Have a Kid or a Job. You Can’t Have Both.
Unpopular opinion coming up, you’ve been warned.
This is actually title of a New York Times article by Deb Perelman from July 2.
Deb asked why isn’t anyone talking about this? Why are we not hearing a primal scream so deafening that no plodding policy can be implemented without addressing the people buried by it? Deb who is anyone? This is all my mommy friends talk about (insert eye roll). A primal scream… cmon. You made a choice to be a parent and there’s some things you just have to deal with. Is it messed up, is it difficult, is it frustrating. Yes it is. Welcome to life.
She says parents are too bone tired to raise their voices above a groan. Well, you had time to write an article for the New York Times and mommies around the globe are singing your praises. Since I’m no mom, don’t hold your breath for my slow clap.
I’m here to stand up for the non parents at work who many times pick up the slack whenever little Johnny or Emily has a tummy ache or a recital or a zoom call with their teacher.
Since I brought it up, let’s talk about kids on Zoom calls. I’m sure there are many people who think your kid is cute and want to see their pajamas or new art project. I’m not one of them. Have a separate call for that. Is there a double standard for women to control their children on these calls, yes. Welcome to life. We’ve all seen the viral videos of children disrupting men on video calls and it’s praised as so cute. Well I’m all about equal opportunity - it’s equally as annoying to me regardless of the gender of the parent.
Can you be fired for having a disruptive kid on a call? According to an article on inc.com titled Can You Hear Kids on Your Zoom Calls? Don’t Fire the Parents?, the answer is yes. I was super shocked by this. Companies are not required to make accommodations for parents, but we all know they do. The question you think you heard was SHOULD you fire parents for having a disruptive kid on a call? That answer of course is more complicated. If you have an employee that makes no effort to reduce noise, they have a job that requires frequent calls or video conferencing and your discussions with them have failed to bring about change, then termination can and should be an option. According to an article on fatherly.com a mom was fired because her kids were too loud on Zoom work calls. The mommy mafia is like OMG how can you do that to a mom, she is doing the best she can, so what if her kids make a little noise on a video call, she juggling a lot, she should be propped up for that not fired. Let me get this straight, I should prop you up because you had unprotected sex or IVF or adopted or used a surrogate or gestational carrier. Those sound like choices to me. And with every choice sometimes there are rewards, other times there are consequences. When will us DINKs and SINKs be propped up for our choices. Everyone is having a hard time with this pandemic.
This fired mom is fighting “for every mom that has gone through this. It’s not okay to have to feel that your boss is making you pick your work over your kids during these times.” Her boss wanted her to “figure out a way to keep the kids quiet.” She claims juggling her kids didn’t affect her performance (hmmm, I wonder about this claim). She says she “poured hours, tears, sweat, delayed giving her child a snack when he wanted one because her boss needed her to do something right away. Again, we’re back to that 6 letter word no one wants to talk about choice. You are choosing not to give your kids a snack because your boss needed something right away. If you didn’t think this job is not working out for you and your parental duties, maybe you should search for a new one that is more accommodating. I’m sure your boss didn’t just become this monster of a person you’ve described. The disruptive children on a video call doesn’t sound like a one off, it sounds like it’s happened on quite a few calls. How much should your boss and coworkers have to take? Everyone is there to get a job done and these disruptions make the call longer and less productive. At what point is it the parents responsibility to stop the video or mute the call to minimize disruptions.
The inc.com article says “regardless of whether you feel justified in punishing an employee with loud children, it will not play well on social media. Your employees will think you’re unfair and cruel—even if they were annoyed by the obnoxious children. Cue the Mommy Mafia chorus.
The fired mom has retained counsel for gender discrimination and retaliation. Her attorney says to take comfort in knowing the law is on their side and justice will be served. I want to see the book that said parenting was easy… you knew it was hard going in. Oh I know, you thought your kid would be different.
Back to Deb’s New York Times article:
She says “I resent articles that view the struggle of working parents this year as an emotional concern. We are not burned out because life is hard this year. We are burned out because we are being rolled over by the wheels of an economy that has bafflingly declared working parents not essential”. Hold on, I’m grabbing my tiny violin. Wow, now that’s breaking news! Working parents are being declared not essential…. I am sorry her husband was furloughed and later laid off but I think that had little to do with his working parent status. Mainly because she says she had to ensure he didn’t miss a meeting, call or email when she managed the remote learning of your pre-k and fifth grader. Was he incapable for managing his own schedule at home, how did he manage at his office? They continue to pay their nanny although she hasn’t worked for them in months. That is noble but if you’re going to continue to do that you can’t complain about your financial strain. You ask when will your husband be able to look for work, I’m sorry, did the internet break down? I know quite a few people who are not only looking for work during the pandemic but have been hired virtually.
To say businesses are reopening without any conversation about repercussions on families with school age children is completely false. Many companies are looking at how to better support their employees, not just parents, all of them. I’ve spoken to a few friends in Human Resources and they all say their companies are practically bending over backwards to accommodate parents while at home and when they eventually return to the office. If your company is not, you have a choice on whether to continue to work there. You talk about kids going stir crazy because they are tethered to their parents work spaces all day running around the living room in lieu of fresh air. Is there a reason you can’t take a lunch time, pre or post dinner walk? I will agree there will be families that fall through the cracks; children with special needs, those lacking resources to facilitate remote learning have been hurt and those achievement gaps have been widened.
According to her article the American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement urging students to be physically present in school as much as possible this fall. A statement that defeats her entire argument.
Working mothers are disproportionally affected because of their increased at home responsibilities - it sounds like these working moms with partners in the home haven’t had real discussions about what the shared responsibilities would be. If you are carrying the burden and expect your partner to suddenly realize you need help without directly expressing it, you’re the one at fault. If you can’t come up with a solution that works for both of you, maybe it’s your relationship that needs review.
Some parents may choose to leave the workforce all together and it’s not news that women who drop out of the workforce have a hard time returning. But remember it was your choice to have children. I’m sorry if you thought your life, your kids or your job would be different.
This notion that working parents will lose their jobs in droves and will be erased from the economy is ludicrous. People, not only parents will learn to adapt. Children are resilient and most will come out of this with minimal scarring. Kids also mirror their caregivers, if you are losing it, your kids are going to lose it too.
No one was prepared for what the pandemic would bring. We all left our regular lives abruptly. Everyone has a story and your situation is not harder and mine is not easier because of children. What about the single person who normally hangs out with their friends for happy hours and brunch or the couple who realizes the problems within their marriage can’t survive quarantine. Many people have lost their jobs, not only parents. Those with student loan debt, credit card debt, mortgages, medical bills, the list goes on and on….
This won’t last forever (although it feels that way). Schools and daycares will reopen, nannies will return and us non parents will be back to covering for you when you have to work from home because your kids’ school has a staggered schedule.
Article Links:
In the COVID-19 Economy, You Can Have a Kid or a Job. You Can’t Have Both.
Having Your Kids On Your Work Zoom Is Fine, But This Mom Was Fired For It
Can You Hear Kids on Your Zoom Calls? Don’t Fire the Parents
Do you think working parents will be erased from the workforce and the economy? Are kids interrupting your work Zoom calls? Are you picking up the slack for parents who are home schooling or otherwise kid occupied. Let me know in the comment section.